Saturday, May 30, 2009

frustration.....


this the their dream. they have been talking bout it for weeks. they work hard for it. but now i personally failed to assist them to achieve their dream.

aft this their confidence towards me will be much lower. their self esteem that have just build will do down as low as how the economic situation is now. and i will not blame them if they back to their old life. and it'll all my fault. giving them false promises. giving them false hope.

as for me, aft this i will work harder so that they can sell their creation and be proud of it.....

no matter what it takes, how am i gonna get the money but i will find it. i will fullfil my promise to them and make them proud again........

Thursday, May 28, 2009

i'm down but i won;t be here forever.....

salam...

at last, my tears dropped tonite. last time i cried when my mom passed away. and this time i drop it again.

whatever happens now i take it as challenge to myself where i will show to everybody that i will be successful 1 day. and my aim is by end of this year. starting january 2010, everybosy will look up on me again.

i may look useless now. people may think that i'm creating whatever trouble that they have now but by end of this year, everything will change. i know i can do it though i will have to sacrifice everything to achieve it.

hear me, i swear to GOD and to myself that i will never stop until i achieve whatever dreams i have now. i swear to GOD that i will do whatever it takes to ensure my projects will run. no matter how hard it'll be but i will do it. even i have to sacrifice my sleep time, meal time, social time, everything...as long as i can be whatever i want by year end. i will ensure that Insanity Couture will make its appreance and their design will be the best among the best among the best. people will talk bout their design here and there and at that point i can stand up and say...this is what i beleive in even though others dont believe in me or the kids, this is wthat i sacrificed for and now this is what we have achieve. i can walk and talk where nobody will ever say anything anymore.

this is my promise to myself. and just to let you all know, once i've make a promise i will make sure i will fullfil it no matter what.

kids i'm so sorry this sunday we can't make it but aft this i will find way to sell u guys design without anybody's help. its all bout me and u guys. we will show to them that we can do it. AND WE CAN TELL EVERYBODY THAT WHAT WE ACHIEVE TODAY IS SOLELY OUR EFFORT AS PEOPLE DUN HAVE FAITH ON US. BUT I DO AND I WILL ALWAYS DO.

Monday, May 25, 2009

past life, present life and future life

salam....

we meet again. i really dunno what to write my blog till just now. sum1 from my past life called. we talked quite long. exchanging stories bout us. but i do feel like laughing till the whole world can hear me laugh. i feel like want to jump till i can reach the moon. i feel like wanna jump from a cliff till i can dive in deepest sea.....thats is what am feeling now.

i do remember how we met, how things going on between us, and how we got separated.

its all started when my hmate intorduce us. then we spent the whole nite together. when N have to go back to Johor, my 1st suprise was i bought her blue roses as token of friendship. bout a week later we declare ourselves as couple. all went so smooth. but we were separated as at that point N was in Johor and i'm in Shah Alam. then she came again on her birthday to celebrate her birthday with me till i sacrifice my commitment to be facilitator for STPM student in Ipoh. on her 2nd visit i bought her a ring. i also have 1. (sadly my nephew lost the ring...) aft a mth, she decided to come and stay in Shah Alam. 1 incident happen during that period as i went to Johor just to get to know N's life and family when N told me a nite before she meet her ex and they make love for 1 last time. it really hurts but i do believe in giving chances. so i just ignore though deep inside i'm hurt like hell.

Then she came and stay in Shah Alam with me. aft 1 week, she still at leisure. not trying to find job or anything. its not matter of money but am not rich to pay for her expenses. so aft a week i've lost my patience. scloded her and then she decided to go back to her hometown. i still remember, it was on 1st of may 2008. i was in stadium putra, bukit jalil attending Perhimpunan Hari Pekerja under CIMB Group. i sms N and told that i'll be home ASAP and we will have lunch together. otw home, i bought N a blue rose and a card saying i'm sorry. but when i'm home i find out that she left with a note saying that she'll be back once everything is better. and my mistake is, i called my ex and told her everything that happened. she came, cool me down and she sms N. bcoz of her sms to N, situation getting worse. (i'll tell what happen between me and my ex in my nex posting). and N decided to leave me as she thinks that i'm still with my ex. i was warded in SMC, Shah Alam when N came and she said this will be our last meeting. just consider that we never meet and everything was a mistake.



i took quite a while to forget what has happened and i manage to go on with my life. build back my life slowly till i decided to leave my job and join Immortal Spirit Training And Teambuilng as consultant. i started to enjoy my life again though now it my hard time in terms of financial.

aft 9mths later, out of nowhere, N send a message to my YM. and just now she called. we talked and she did ask when am i free. i just told her that i'll be bz all year. i'll call her if i'm free...now i'm listening to song that she gave to me 11mths ago......Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis

i dun understand people. at 1 point can say like this...and later....change their mind and think that nothing happened between us. lucky now i got my family, my biz partner, associates and most important of all, i have good frens that always with me no matter what. thx guys....thx a million....

Friday, May 15, 2009

Hari Guru......

Salam. Bertemu lagi kita di alam siber tanpa sempadan ini. kali ini saya nak bercerita tentang keindahan zaman sekolah dulu. mula masuk sekolah pada usia 6 thn d tadika perpaduan sg siput utara. tadika tuh dekat dgn kem PPH a.k.a PGA sg siput utara. nak boleh smp ke sana kena lalu kat jln keretapi. terletak kat atas bukit kecik...sekolah tuh cuma bgnan kayu yg agak usang arr. nama guru pembantu class, cikgu sharifah. sehat orgnya tapi baik. nama cikgu class dah lupa. al maklumlah dah 24thn tglkan alam tuh. sy diketegorikan antara yg bijak dlm class sbb masuk2 jer skola dah pandai membaca. bkn p class membaca awal mcm skng tp belaja membaca ms kakak2 cbuk belaja kat umah. perkataan pertama, AWAS. kat tadika tuh, yg plg igt time mkn. tiap2 ari lain2 menu tp yg plg jd rebutan roti canai cicah gula. berebut2 nak bertambah tp limit 2 keping sorang. bkn roti canai tuhyg sedap tp sbb mkn ramai2. antara nama kawan yg igt ms dlm class tadika tuh, kembar sharifah (anak buah cikgu sharifah), hafizi, yusmalia (my 1st skendel) ngan gunalan.

masuk sekolah rendah pun kat sg siput utara gak. SRK Methodist. sekolah tuh kat tepi jln besar jerk pastu depan skola tuh ada pokok besar. ms darjah 1 kakak aku pernah balik jln kaki smp umah sbb dia risau tak jumpa aku kat skola. kakak aku ms tuh darjah 6. bkn hlg apa cuma slh port tgu dia. menangis2 dia balik umah kata adik ilang. seb bek ar mendiang uncle ho, anak buah ayah dtg ambik kat skola ms tuh. kalau tak sure aku plak yg nanges sbb tatau nak balik camner. lepas pd tuh tobat dah merayau dah lepas skola. kat skola tuh jgk ar aku dpt parut kat dahi sbb jatuh longkang ms main langkah2 longkang. huhuhuhuhu...nakal jugak rupanya aku nih kan. satu2nya nama cikgu skola tuh yg aku igt, Pn K. Kumarakuru chinese yg convert masuk agama hindu. aku igt pun sbb masa darjah 6, dia beli umah kat ngan umah family aku. selang 1 rumah jerk. dia bt rumah tuh jd tadika. mmg berjiwa pendidik betul.

pastu masuk darjah 4, ayah aku pindah ke ipoh. tuka skola ar jwbnya. masuk SRK Cator Avenue. lokasi skola tuh betul2 epan hosp besar ipoh. ada jejantas warna oren kat situ. skola sumer lelaki. aku memula pelik sbb sblm neh aku skola campur. tp lama2 dah dpt geng, ilang rasa pelik tuh. nama cikgu skola tuh yg paling aku igt, Pn. Lee, cikgu muzik. ms tuh, bila kata ader subjek muzik jerk, dah berdebar2 sbb Pn Lee mst pegang rotan bulu ayam tuh. smp tercabut sumer bulu ayam tuh dia belasah. lupa bwk rekoder, kena sebat. tatau nak main lagu pun kena gak, salah masuk tune ms training ngan piano pun kena gak tp aku smp skng tak pandai2 gak muzik. huhuhuhuhuhuhu....mgkn sbb terlalu takut kat cikgu kot. bila masuk darjah 6, setahun tuh aku lsg tak main, tak merayau ptg2 sbb nak bg yg terbaik masa upsr nanti. ayah janji aku dpt 4 A, dia nak belikan aku komputer. tuh yg belaja 3/4 mati tuh. balik skola trus p library awam kat ipoh tuh. lokasi: kat depan ipoh royal club. sebaris ngan bgnan mahkamah majisteret ipoh. sabtu ahad plak aku p belaja tuisyen personal dgn kawan ayah. tp malangnya, bila kuar result, aku dpt 3A 1B. yg B tuh paper karangan plak tuh. punyala frust. lps pd tuh aku jd malas nak belaja tuh sbb aku belaja gila2 pun aku tetap tak score yg terbaik.

masuk skola menengah kat SM Anderson ipoh. alah, yg dulu terkenal ngan hoki team tuh. kitaorg dr SRK Cator Avenue dpt free ticket masuk skola tuh sbb berjiran jerk. mmg jln kai dah smp skola menengah tuh. skola tuh kira skola elit gak arr kat ipoh tp takleh lawan STAR sbb tuh SBP. ms skola menengah, aku tak brapa aktf cuma aku masuk brass band. dpt ar bt persembahan masa hari belia negara peringkat kebangsaan yg diaorg bt kat stadium indera mulia. ms tu la dpt salam ngan Tun Dr Mahathir. rasa mcm xnak basuh tgn jerk ms tuh. punyala bangga.

sekali lagi, kitaorg pindah tp kali nih sbb parents aku divorce and arwah mak aku pilih nak dok kat kuantan, kg halaman dia. aku punya la xnak tuka skola sb aku pkr skola aku skng ada asrama. boleh la aku dok situ jerk tp memandangkan aku anak manja dan anak lelaki tunggal, aku xder pilihan. mak aku tak bg aku dok kat ipoh sorang2. sedey woooo nak pisah ngan kawan2. maklum ar sumer tuh kawan dr skola rendah. mmg dah ngam gila. nama cikgu kat sana aku dah lupa ar. maaf yer cikgu2 sumer.

1/2 thun tingakatan 2 pindah jugak dok kuantan. skola kat SM Sultan Abu Bakar, Kuantan. tepi jln gak skola tuh. tp tuhla skola plng tak besh aku pnh masuk. aku takleh ngam lsg dgn kawan2 kat sana. dahla lepas 5 thn skola all boys, aku masuk skola campur smula. pastu kawan ngan mostly anak2 org kaya nih. aku takleh masuk wooo.....aku ader 2 kawan jerk kat skola tuh. tuh pun kawan baik aku sbb kitaorg tuisyen sama2 masa form 3. idzwan dgn saiful harris. idzwan tuh dak johor tp parents dia antar dok kuantan sbb dah takleh nak kawal dia. saiful harris plak anak pegawai penddikan negeri. dia mmg baik tp malangnya dia disahkan ader ketumbuhan dlm otak. setakat yg aku tau, 4 kali dia kena bedah nak buang ketumbuhan tuh. apa citer dia skng, aku tak pasti. aku doakan dia panjang umur. ms skola kuantan tuh, seminggu 3 ari palng kerap aku gi skola. yg lain aku dok umah. huhuhuhuhu...aku tak rewang tpt lain woo....tp result PMR aku alhamdulillah. 4A 4B. sumer berkat aku tak pernah ponteng class tusiyen aku. berkat aku jln kaki dr skola smp tpt tuisyen aku dlm sejam sehari. pastu balik abg ipar aku ambik aku.

then ms form 4, aku mmg dah takleh tahan dok kuantan. aku bgtau arwah mak aku nak dok ipoh balik. arwah pun setuju sb dia dah tgk kesan pd diri aku bila pindah tuh. dl dr yg tak pandai ponteng skola ke manusia yg tak pandai nak p skola. pindah smula dok ipoh. masuk skola lama aku smula. tp aku jd tak best dah. sbb kawan byk dah takder. sumer kuar p vokasional atau teknik atau mrsm. pastu ms tuh lak aku tgk arwah mak aku susah sgt. nak besarkan aku, dia terpaksa jual nasi lemak kat kedai makan cina kat jln pasir puteh. kedai kopi ah keong. walaupun rezki dia murah tp aku kesian kat dia sbb hari2 lepas niaga dia kena jln kaki masuk kawasan rumah aku lbh krg 1 km+ juga time tghari. so aku bt gila, aku bt keputusan nak berenti skola. sebulan aku tak p skola. dok umah and pkr2 nak cari keje and nak bantu arwah mak. kak long aku balik keje jerk, aku kena maki. mcm tuh lah perjalanan idup aku ms tuh. pastu jiran sebelah aku yg kebetulan cikgu pujuk aku. Ustazah Zaharah tp aku pgl dia Kak Arah jerk. aku pkr2 balik, aku pun smbung skola tp tuka skola yg dkt ngan umah aku. mmg deka t pun 5 minit jln kaki dah smp. Kak Arah pun cikgu kat skola tuh. masuk skla tuh, kak arah dah citer background aku kat pengurusan skola so aku mcm special case ar. dpt keutmaaan dr segal sudut. 2 mgu masuk skola tuh aku dpt jd pengawas smp ader 3 dara pingitan tak puas ati ngan aku. tak berbaik smp abes skola.sebulan pastu aku pegang pengerusi persatuan pendidikan islam. mmg aktif gila lah. lagipun cikgu2 kat skola tuh best. byk support aku. Ms Dena, Pn rashidah, cikgu hairiri (pengetua yg garang), cikgu aiman cikgu HEM, pn siva, ustazah pn tn zanariah tn zahari, dan lain2 yg aku tak dpt nak igt sumer nama diaorg.

sejak masuk skola tuh and lepas aku dihantar ke kursus perkaderan gpms 1995, aku byk berubah. jd baik sket ar. prubahan aku pun sbb perpisahan parents aku pastu kena tuka skola tanpa rela hati masa form 2 - form 3. aku mula la attend mcm2 kem motivasi, jd ahli mcm2 kelab smp aku xder ms kat umah. balik thari jap, aku mandi makan and aku gi skola smula. kalau arwah penat sgt, aku tlg masak dl and back to skul.

disebalik kebahaigaan tuh dtg 1 lagi dugaan. tuan umah sewa tuh tak byr cukai pintu. so org MBI pun dtg bwk surat and kata kalau tak byr jugak brg dlm umah kitaorg akan kena sita. aku pun btau ar tuan umah and aku kata aku nak byr dl duit cukai pintu tuh so kira sewa uamah kitaorg xpyh byr ar smp langsai sumer utang dia ngan MBI. dia marah and halau kitaorg kuar. 2 minggu aku skola tak tentu hala pasal nak carik umah sewa lain tp tak dpt, last2 aku suggest kat mak aku dia gi pindah dok ngan akak aku kat kuantan. aku xmo tuka skola pasal ms tuh tgl 6/7 bln jerk sblm spm. dgn berat ati arwah dok ngan akak aku. aku tgl sorg2 kat ipoh. mula2 aku dok umah kawan akak aku kat gunung rapat tapi sb jauh nak ulang alik gi skola, aku tak stay lama. last2 aku bt keputusan dok kat IGPMS, lahat. dlm 20 minit naik moto ke skola. memula tuh seksa gila idup aku sbb aku tak pernah tgl sendiri. lama2 jd best pasal xder org nak tegur aku. lupa lak, ms aku cbuk nak cr tpt tgl utk aku sblm mak aku pindah, ada beberapa cikgu yg tawarkan bantuan. cikgu abdullah, guru disiplin merangkap guru pengawas merangkap guru sejarah aku offer dok umah dia tp dia kata klau dia balik kg ke apa aku kena crik tpt dok lain sementara. pastu pn siva pun offer tp sb dia bkn muslim ramai cikgu yg tak setuju. aku pernah 1 bln tak skola ms tuh sb aku rindu gila kat arwah mak aku. plan nak balik kuantan ujung minggu jerk. tp lekat smp sebulan kat sana. aku masuk skola smula pastu cikgu abdullah sound aku "saya igt kamu dah mati dah ******". aku bt muka bodo jerk. spm aku ambik tanpa ader family kat aku. mmg tertekan tp tuhlah yg perlu aku hadapi. cikgu2 pun bg support kat aku. smpkan cikgu kaunseling kata aku murid contoh sb aku mampu berdikari pd usia 17thn dgn kena hadapi peperiksaan besar. bangga wooo masa tuh.

kuar result spm, result tak mcm yg diharapkan. aku dpt pangkat 2, 25 agg. tp resukt tuh yg terbaik berbanding kakak2 aku. paling mengecewakan subjek BI sbb aku dpt credit 4. aku ms exam tuh over confident smp aku bt main2. tp dgn result tuh jugak lah aku dpt masuk ITM. ambik coz diploma latihan chef. mmg itu yg aku aim nak blaja dr darjah 4 lagi lps tgk chef wan kat tv and bakat semulajadi yg aku dpt dr arwah mak aku.

sekianlah cerita aku zaman skola dl. kalau kenang2 smula mcm nak skola semuaa jerk terutama masa form 4/5. mmg best skola tuh. sumer cikgu2 dia best. sbb diaorg aku jd manusia yg berkeyakinan tinggi, berani dan berada di tahap aku skng.

terima kasih bt semua guru2 yg pernah membimbing aku. jasa dan budi korang tak pernah aku lupakan. hanya Allah yg mampu membalas jasa kalian. tanpa kalian mgkn aku jd anak gelandangan yg xder haluan hidup.

p/s: kalau ader kawan skola aku yg terbaca blog nih, tlg ar kontek aku eh...windu oo kat korang nak2 geng2 masa SM Kg Pasir Puteh dl.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

salam...

hari nih bgn tido dgn mood yg tentu. this week i've been doing things tht i shldn't do too much and it has effected me. now aft few months free from it, i have to take it again. by taking it, i'll be much slower, always tired and weak. thts why i dun like to take it. it'll effect my productivity.

yesyterday i suppose to meet my partner and associate in KL but i fell asleep. i am still feel guilty coz i've made sumbody waiting for me for hours. though i've applogize to him but my guilt is still with me. i know how it feels to wait for people for hours and lastly the person didn't show up.

my sis told me that her place got a job offer as admin assistant. with RM1.2k a mth is more than enuff for me to sustain my life. am prefer to live simple. but i have to think bout the kidz, IS and IC. but most important of all of it is the kidz. i'll spend less time with them for sure. while i can spend most of my time with them still problem happens, what will happen if i dun have time for them?

i know my weakness, once am attached to a job that need much of my time outside, lil' by lil' i'll forget bout my responsibility towards anybody that needs me. and my life will be like before. and i dun want that to happen. again.

got an offer to do training on communication in perlis. but am not excited bout it as my feelings says that sumthing is wrong sumwhere. dealing with middle man twice makes me not trusting them. they just go away with my proposals and maybe they are making money out of it though the proposal i prepared is simple and i dun as much effort as i put my effort in other proposal but still it is my hardwork, my effort to prepare it. so, i have a few hours left to reconsider my thoughts. am not saying am not gonna do it coz as i read my email bout it, without delay i did my research on communication skill. i got lots of useful modules and a few games that might help me with it. another issue is payment wise. we will not paid till they got their claim from PSMB. what will happen in that period PSMB and the Govt declare that they will freeze all levi for training. what will happen to us?

it's only 1420hrs now and it is raining here in shah alam. alhamdulillah. but me having cyclone in me coz of what happen yesterday and today.

chow!!!

Perak Political Crisis

salam and good day...

for quite a while i have not updating my blog. but for the past 3months there is 1 issue that always caught my attention. Perak Political Crisis which started with 2 so called "missing" State Assemblyman. i dun have to tel more bout that i guess as this issue has caught everybody's attention.

What i would like to say out here in my own personal blog, in my own personal space in cyber world are not meant to hurt any political party or their associates or any of Malaysia's lawmaker. This is my personal opinion that have been kept for 3 whole months.

First, why are the parties involved too eager to get hold of Perak Govt while we have much bigger issue that we need to take care of. ECONOMIC TURMOIL. Why are the parties sacrificing their time for power? Will it make any difference if either of the party get the power in Perak? My personal answer is NO as aft they get hold of the power, next they will start to rebuild whatever they have left undone ie: Exco Restructuring, new so called plan for the state with new JKKK or "ketua kampung" and the list willl go on and on and on.......Will the plans involve how to help employees especially from the manufacturing sector that have been retrenched to survive? What are the oppurtunities for them so that their family don't have to suffer due to their leader job lost. What is in store for poor people that couldn;t even afford to rent RM100.00/month house while all the State Assemblyman can afford to stay in at least 2 storey semi-Ds with your allowence.

Talking about poor people, i always watch TV3 Bersamamu tv show. i do have some questions for the producer, local assemblyman, JKKK and all the parties that responsible for people's walfare. Why aren't any action taken BEFORE the show participants being approach them? Are you saying that you need to be contacted by tv stations first before you take action to help those people? Or you are saying that before the show you are too occupied with your job especially State Assemblyman which have to sit for DUN once i a while, visiting your area, know your people's problem but you miss that particular problem? Or is it just because tv stations going to that particular place only the you show your face there?

These are the things that you guys as our elected or so called trusted or choosen person shld do. Not going to whatever court that we have here in Malaysia just to re-gain power. Aren't you guys ashamed to yourself, families, supporters, VOTERS and the world? If the DUN can't be dismiss, wait for another 3 years for PRU 13. Then let the people cast tehir vote and see who they want as their Khalifah (leader). Isn;t that hard to do?

There are parties says that what they do is for the sake of the people but we are not STUPID. whats happening now is for the sake of position, power, MONEY not the people. You guys are so damn lucky to be State Assemblyman in Malaysia where the people are not so fanatic bout politic. What if you are the lawmaker in neighbouring country? Anything can happen to you (i dare not say what will happen as I might be taken to court for my words). But don;t think that people will just sit and see. When they have chance to use to use their power, you guys will know whos the boss here. Not you, nt your party but the people themselves.

So, to all parties involved in the crisis, as Malaysia citizen, PLEASE stop fighitng for power like what you are doing now. Whoever won, people down here will always be the same.
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