Byk yg jadi sepanjang aku sepikan diri.
First of all, aku dah start blogging my life as HIV patient kat http://aksaraakuhidupaku.blogspot.my.
But post kali ni adalah post yg sgt penting utk aku.
For those yg follow blog ni atau frequently baca contengan kanvas aku ni, am sure.u guys know that I still havent move on dgn my previous SERIOUS relationship. Its been 8 years, tried to build new relationship a few times but failef over and over again. It changed my life a lot smp la aku dijangkiti dgn HIV atas keliaran aku . Aku nak lupakan dia dgn cara salah. Aku start blogging ni pun lps aku hilang dia. I need an avenue to release whatever feelings I have inside me and writing is the best therapy for me.
Even klau ada yg follow, I wrote a story bout dia dan aku tp aku xleh nak nak siapkan. Too many sweet memories, too many bitter memories selama aku dgn dia.
8 years of waiting and hoping....finally on 22/12/2016 aku dpt news yg plg aku tak sangka. Tu pun aku tahu sb my fb fren (mmg xpnh communicatate dgn dia before this) posted sumthing bout a fren of hers passed away. And she tagged a name in that post. When I read it, the name looks damn familiar and I chose to stalk that particular fb. Without realising it, my tears start to fall. Am speechless. My brain suddenly stop working. I feel like my world turned dark.
That person that she tagged is my ex. If been looking for her for like 8 years and i've tried to find her in fb by trying various possible names she could use but I failed! And what suprised me the most shes using basicly her nama but why I never ever think to search that name.
Shes gone forever! All my hope just burnt to ashes. There will be no more.chance for me to see her, talk to her, explain whatever happens before, hear her laughs....no more. Shes no more around.
And bila aku tau dia dah xde, all the memories dtg mcm movie kat otak aku. Menories dr hati pertama kitaorg chat (yupp...aku tackle dia kat chatroom mIRC back in 2005) smp la last aku call dia utk gtau arwah mak dah xde.
Aku jd depress. Since balik dr MAHA 2016 aritu aku dh start separate myself from my family. I dun even know y I did that. Tapi bila aku tgk kronologi tu semula mgkn instinct aku dah beritahu aku yg sumthing happen to her.
Aku g MAHA on 10/12/2016 and she was admitted on 11/12/2016 at Serdang Hospital, sblh je dgn MAEPS tu.
Since that date dia dh suffer kat ICU tapi knp aku tak tahu??????? Knp aku xterdetik nak stalk fb kawan aku tu???? Klau aku tahu akan aku tunaikan janji aku akan jaga dia smp bila2...akan aku ada dekat dia bila dia sakit mcm dia pernah jaga aku kat hosp dulu.
Skng aku blank. Aku msh lg xbckp dgn sapa2.
My room is my safe place.
Tido mmg xckup.
Mkn pun aku paksa sb aku kne makan ubat.
And air mata akan keluat tak kira masa.
Lps kehilangan arwah mak tahun 2009, arwah kak long tahun 2013 skng aku hilang dia plak. Aku xleh hadam semua yg jd ni. Walhal kalau ikut logik aku yang ptt pegi dulu. 36 hari aku dok ward. 1st 2 weeks aku bed ridden. Darah 2 beg masuk. Drip jgn citer byk mana. Antibiotik yg hrga rm1,500.00/bottle 3 botol masuk, jatuh otw nak g cafe sb bdn sgt lemah masa tu....pttnya aku yg pegi dulu.
Tapi skng dia yg pegi.
Sama mcm 8 tahun lepas, dia tglkan aku tapi kali ni tgl tu tgl selamanya. Aku xleh lagi nak cari dia kat mana.
Yang paling aku ralat bila dia ada communicate dgn mbr aku tapi this guy xnak gtau apa wechat id arwah. Even bila aku suarakan aku nak jmp arwah lun tbis guy mcm hesitate. For what reason I dun know. Klau aku bertegas masa tu mungkin aku dpt jugak jmp dia wpun 5 minit.
Pedulikan apa arwah nak kata. Nak maki ke nak marah ke am always ready.
Tp aku tak tegas! Sama mcm bila dia bt keputusan utk tglkan aku dulu, aku terus dgn ego aku!. Aku admit kat DEMC ms tu due to stree she came every single day but I never talk and I dun even look at her face! Betapa berdosanya aku bt dia mcm tu.
Utk awak.....
Org tatau berapa lama org akan amik utk trima hakikat awak dah xda.
Org nak awak tahu, sepanjang awak pergi betul org cuba bina hubungan baru tapi semua tak kekal. Sebab apa? Sebab awak yg terbaik dlm hidup org.
Awak pergi dgn tglkan standard yg sgt tinggi utk org lain ganti tpt awak.
Awak dah pergi bersama arwah mak awak, arwah mak sy dan arwah kak long. Awak dah tglkan org selamanya.
Awak bawa pergi rs org pd awak.
Awak bwak pergi sebahagian besar diri org dgn awak.
Semoga awak tenang kat sana.
Kalau diizinkan Allah kita akan jmp kat alam satu lagi.
Tunggu org kat sana yer!
Apapun org nak awak tahu org syg awak smp bila2.
Takkan ada org lain lg lps awak.
Terima kasih sb ajarkan org erti kasih sayang.
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