I don't know what happened but i still haven't got the real me yet. Deep down am still down. Feels like I dun wan to see anybody yet but i got to work. I got to find money for my survival.
Am back to old me. depressed. Stressed out. Out of my mind, I think.
People will look at me as sum1 who are strong. Seems like I have forgive and forget the things tht has happen. but that is what people see. Deep down in me things that happen has become nitemare. every single nite I got the same dream. I can;t stand it anymore. I wan my answers now. but sadly I have promised my Syg not to talk bout it anymore. so what i can do now is to forget all that as soon as possible coz this will effect everything in my li fe especially my job.
I always think why do bad things always happen to in especially in my relationship? Can't I just have decent kind of relationship that free from MAJOR problems? Am not asking this everyday but we are just started. What will happen in another 2 years time? my Syg is too far from me and i can't afford to go and visit my Syg regularly. The answer is am still have trauma from my past experience. How i was betrayed, hurt, cheated and more. I though I have overcome all tht until the incident happen.
Dear Allah,
I beg you to help me. I want my old me back. I want me with happy go lucky attitude. Please Allah. Please give me back my old me....
Syg,
I dunno what to say or think now. All i know i want you to be happy. As i promised. Am not myself anymore. I've lost. Now i dunno where i am, what i shld do, when this will be cleared. too many things in my mind Syg. Too many.
I know u care bout me. u have regret ur mistake. I can feel ur love towards me and i can sense sincererity I love u so much coz u r the only person who manage to unlock the key of my heart after 2 years. 2 years free from love. 2 years living in my lil own world. and now things SUDDENLY change. I have to sit and adapt to my new life now with you Syg. not easy for me to accept the sudden changes. I love u Syg. With all my heart.
¬chiao¬
:((
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aku jln kaki gi kubur mak td. dlm 1/2 jam aku smp. aku dpt rasakan ketenangan bila ada kat sana.
aku duduk tepi kubur, aku sedekahkan al Fatihah utk mak. hny itu jerk yg aku leh bt utk dia skng.
ait mata aku tak dpt tahan lagi. aku luahkan sumer apa yg aku rs pd mak. setiap perincian aku cerita pd mak. aku nk dia tau betapa aku kehlgan pas dia pergi. betapa aku hlg tpt aku mengadu. aku hlg diri aku sbnrnya sbb dia adalah segalanya bagi aku.
aku tak peduli lg org nk tgk aku. tekanan yg aku hadapi skng terlalu kuat. aku rs lemah. aku rs aku dah kalah. aku rs hidup aku dah xder makna lagi. aku menangis semahunya tadi. aku lepaskan semua yg terbuku di hati. apa yg aku tak boleh zahirkan pd org lain aku lepaskan pd mak.
smpkan aku rasa mcm ada sentuhan lembut yg mmg aku rindukan sejak sekaian lama menyentuh ubun2 aku. aku merasakan seolah2 ada tangan yg merangkul tubuhku dan mententeramkan aku. kemudian aku seolah2 terdengar suara mak berbisik
"adik, semua tu dugaan hidup adik. adik kan seorng yg kuat. adiklah yg jaga sakit pening mak ms kita duduk berdua dulu kan. tp adik masih boleh jd mcm org lain ms tuh. adik penah pikul tjawab lbh besar sblm nih. jaga mak, sekolah. tapi adik berjaya lalui semua tuh kan? knp skrg adik ngaku kalah? mana pegi anak lelaki tunggal kebangaan mak? yg bg mak kekuatan dl nk teruskan hidup. biarpun mak xdt bg kemewahan pd adik dl tp adik tak pernah bersungut. kita makan apa yg ada. kita hidup seringkas yg mungkin. tp dlm masa sama, org susah mtk tolong kiat tak pernah kata kita tak boleh bantu. igt tak? adik dah lupa pesan mak? biarlah apa prg nk bt kat kita tp jgn sekali2 balas perbuatan org tuh sbb kita tak berhak menghukum. hanya Allah yg berhak. adik jgn sedih lagi. adiklah anak mak yg paling kuat smgt. yg paling berani hadapi hidup. mak nak adik terus mcm tuh smp bila2."
terhenti tangis aku masa tuh. dan semua tuh aku tau cuma perasaan aku tp aku jd tenang. aku jd jelas dgn apa yg terjd dlm hidup aku skng. dan yg pasti aku kena terus berjuang. semangat mak teruskan hidup aku jdkan azimat. cuma aku perlukan masa utk aku trima semua ini. trima kasih mak. maklah ibu terbaik yg wujud kat dunia ni.
ms nk tglkan kuburan, aku kembali sedih sbb aku tglkan mak selalu kata aku nak temankan dia.
entahlah....aku nih dah gila agaknya.....
¬the end¬
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